TW: Abuse
A while ago, I found myself in an abusive relationship. I was in denial, and I was so severely gaslit I refused to believe what anyone told me until it got physical. Even though I could physically see the abuse, I had such a difficult time leaving. I accepted their statements that they were working on it and that they loved me and only wanted the best.
I always told myself I would never let myself fall into the trap of an abusive relationship again. I had experienced something similar, but not to that degree, early on in high school. I always believed I'd have enough trust and respect in myself to let go and move forward. But abuse is so much more complicated than that. Abuse comes in so many different forms and in all kinds of relationships.
I became trauma bonded to my abuser as I mainly had spent my time with them, and they had started gaslighting me so early on. I have a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and I am also a very empathetic person. Typically, people like this are attracted to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which I believe my ex had. I had grown to think that they only wanted to love me, and I was the only one doing wrong. In their eyes, I was always a misbehaving child or an object they could use. As a result of the ups and downs of this relationship, my BPD got worse, and the years I had spent on healing and treatment for the condition felt as though they went away. I developed reactive abuse and still have a tough time staying calm when arguing. I get defensive, scared, and constantly feel attacked - even if it's just my best friend.
I was in denial for months, and I didn't realize that something was seriously wrong until they started physically grabbing + pushing me, and I knew I had to tell my friends.
Abuse is brutal for anyone involved. My friends at the time tried to be patient and did what they could to help, but as I went back time again, they said they had to step back. I felt utterly alone. I had lost my best friends and my significant other within a week. Thankfully, I reconnected with an old friend, but it was still such a massive change in my life. My entire support system shifted, and I found myself confused, alone, and numb. It was challenging to remember half the things they did to me, and I kept asking myself if I should have given them another chance. My old friend reminded me that he was continuously getting worse with gaslighting, cheating, and aggression.
It's been months, but I'm still trying to process what happened to me; I have post-traumatic stress and get anxiety attacks from little things. Some days are harder than others and over the past few months, I feel as though I'm just distracting myself, but I know if I cut out a little time to process things, it'll improve. I know it'll take me a long time to get back to where I was. Some of the symptoms of my BPD are close to where they were before treatment, and I am still struggling to build trust and process the floodgate of emotion that refuses to budge open. But I am doing things to build friendships, skills, and create a life I know is worth living. I am also still trying to rebuild the damage from the fires they set off in my life. Again, I know it'll take a long time, but I'm ready to start healing.
If you believe you may be in an abusive relationship, please dial the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text them at 1.800.787.3224. If this is an emergency, dial 911.
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