Anniversaries of events can be extraordinarily difficult. Today was the anniversary of my leaving my abuser, and it brought up many conflicting emotions.
Since leaving them, I have learned, changed, and felt like I was losing myself. I think, in a way, I did lose part of myself. I lost a lot of innocence. I lost a lot of "friends."
Recently, I lost another friend due to this relationship. They thought it was okay to stay neutral between my abuser and me because they heard from others that they "weren't a bad person." I understand that it can be difficult when you know both parties, but they didn't know my abuser at all.
When you know someone who has been abused, you cannot remain neutral. I needed them to believe in me; they knew me and spent so much time with me, hearing and seeing me cry over how I was treated. Breaking down, getting triggered, and seeing and hearing proof of it all.
No one believed that I would leave my abuser. Time and time again, I went back to them. Every time, I felt people losing patience. I proved them wrong. I cut off all contact and have not had any since. I have come so far from the girl who couldn't even admit that the person she loved was taking advantage of her.
So yes, I lost friends. A lot of them. But in the long run, I found people who believed me, even without knowing me for very long, and strengthened relationships with people who never stopped believing in me.
I still get flashbacks; I still remember days like today when I reported what happened to me —the last day of contact. I still struggle some days even to feel anything at all. Every one of my relationships has been impacted in one way or another. My life is forever changed because of what I went through in that relationship. I'm forever changed.
Some days I'll look at myself and see a failure. I was on top of all my assignments, running organizations, and always busy in high school. I had so much motivation, hope, and trust in myself. Most days now, I struggle to get my assignments in. The semester all ended with them; I failed a class. I still struggle to find the motivation to work for the mental health organization I ran. I don't always recognize myself. I don't always feel proud of myself. I often feel like a burnout, like I should be doing more.
But in reality, I should be so proud of myself. I am alive and free. I left my abuser even though it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had to deal with losing my partner, closest friends, and even myself.
I am a completely different person. It took a long time and a lot out of me.
You hear a lot about the "you're stronger now because of your trauma." A year later, I am stronger. But not because of what I went through, but how I handled it. I do not give my abuser any credit for the strength I have gained. I am responsible for my growth - it's about my character, not my past.
So one year later, I finally can trust myself. I know that I deserve more in love, friendships, and how I treat myself. I am not a failure - I am a survivor.
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