TW: Abuse, suicidal ideation
It can be challenging to see a friend stuck in an abusive or toxic relationship. However, these are some of the things that helped me get out and remind me that I wasn't alone.
When discussing the abuse, try to keep a friendly tone, try not to talk down to them, and keep the dialogue between two friends, rather than a parent to a child or a therapist to a patient. So often, people who experience abuse are talked down to by their partners - this was something I experienced, so when others did it to me regarding leaving, I shut down.
Although intentions were good, something that was not helpful is when people pushed me to leave when I wasn't ready. I needed time to make sure I would not go back and be in the right place to heal. Allow them to make their own decisions and remind them that you're there regardless.
Do not blame your friend. No matter how many times they might have gone back and forth in this relationship, remind them that you respect them and know it's difficult to leave. Trauma bonding can be so powerful and tough to break down. I tried to leave over 15 times, but I got threats, physical intimidation, and every time they said that they would kill themselves if I left.
They promised every time they would change, and I was so attached to the version of themselves that they painted at the beginning that I stayed in hopes I'd see that person again. This illusion is called love bombing - in which at the beginning of the relationship they give you everything you ever wanted and are the person you always dreamed of, but as time goes by, the mask falls. Then, when it gets to a point you want to leave, they love bomb you again, so you feed on that and believe if you are "good enough" and stay that they will be that person for you. This illusion is so challenging to break down because it feels so real, especially when you care so much about someone.
Come up with suggestions for things they can do to make preparations to leave if they tell you they want to. For example, when I was debating leaving, I made myself pros and cons lists, what I would do after the breakup to take care of myself, and recorded videos of myself crying about how hurt I was to remind myself why I was leaving. If you are concerned for their safety in leaving, make preparations way ahead of time. For example, I collected my things before I officially left and gradually took them home. I also notified my friends, family, and therapist. I planned to break up with them on text so they could not physically hurt me, and I could immediately block them. Additionally, if you are concerned for their safety, call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.7233.
Do your best to stay patient. Abuse is so difficult for every person involved, and it may take a long time for the person to leave, but once they do and start recovering, you will start seeing bits of the person you remembered. I am so grateful to have had a patient person in my life who helped me leave. As a result, I am more myself than I have been in years, and I am so much happier and more confident. Of course, many things are more challenging due to the abuse, but I'm still healing, and the hardest part - leaving - is done.
If you believe you may be in an abusive relationship, please dial the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text them at 1.800.787.3224. If this is an emergency, dial 911.
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